what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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