my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
