There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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