well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Less talking, more tequila
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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