similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
