I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
