I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
