You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
