Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
