Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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