im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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