Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
