There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
