the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
