I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
birth control should be required to get into college
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
