I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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