im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
