I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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