She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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