Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
