My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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