you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
