Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
