The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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