he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
what day is it and did you see me today?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
