I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
