It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
