based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
