we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
