I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
