I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
