whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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