Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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