You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
