I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
