the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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