I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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