I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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