Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
