ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
