An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
