I'm gonna have a badass scar
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
