the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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