i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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