All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
