how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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