You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
