Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
