I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
