I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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