Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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