I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
